My first and last transgender swimming experience (until I either have surgery or hit the lotto to put in my own pool.)
We had signed Lucy up for swim classes and Jess was suppose to take her. Unfortunately, there was a mix up and they put us in the wrong class that was during work hours. I was determined not to be the reason Lucy couldn't experience this, so I went ... and this memory is still painful.
I started my fight at home, when I got dressed. I wore a women's swimsuit and covered it with my board shorts and a loose workout shirt. I played with the adjustment of my chest so it wasn't accentuated by the built in swimsuit bra, but it wasn't binded.
I packed Lucy's stuff and decided to dress her at the gym. We used the "family changing rooms" to get ready. Toddler swimsuits are a pain by the way, I tried getting her in it 3 times before I got it right.
We headed into the pool area, a couple minutes late and I was scared. The other parents (all mothers) kept looking at me the whole time. It was a 20 min class, and the longest 20 min of my life.
As soon as I got wet, everything clung and was showing off. All I could do was stay under water to try and hide. Lucy luckily wasn't affected. She had a great time. She Learned to kick and even let me hold her floating on her back.
It was the only class we went to. We called the gym the next day and cancelled the class. We have been back to the pool, but with Jess getting in only and I sat on the side.
Even as I recall this, my stomach hurts just as much now with anxiety as it did then. I am sad, frustrated and annoyed at the circumstances. I want so badly to just take her to the pool. I LOVE swimming. I was a lifeguard for 5 years, and I miss it. But I am not comfortable with others reactions to my body. I wish I have had top surgery already, but even more, I wish the world could just see me as a person and that my body didn't matter.
I don't know why I choose this blog to make my first approach to my "new" cousin. Like you the things I feel are both confusing and frustrating, but my feelings seem completely meaningless in the face of what must have been your lifelong struggle. I must say that I am not surprised. I say that not to offend, but simply in an attempt at understanding. In our too infrequent interactions throughout both child- and adulthood, we have always gravitated together more as same-gender cousins, as well is in greener ways. Your difficulty in identifying with my sister in both personality and play were always something that I took comfort in when I was younger, but in hindsight I see how difficult these things must have been for you to deal with. You must know that I will always support you whether man, woman, or in-between. But, you must also know that in the most selfish of ways, I was offended to be one of the last to hear of your decisions. I hope this post is well received and know that a reply is not required. My ear is always available, as are my shoulders.
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