Sweet Dreams vs Harsh Reality

I had some AMAZING dreams last night ... now to make them come true.

In my dreams:
I went for a run.  I don't know how long, but I know that I LOVED it.  I was sweating, achy, and so tired when I was done, but I was elated.  It felt great.  And the happiness continued when I got in the shower and I was flat chested and didn't have so much flab.  I literally awoke from the dream feeling like I was floating on cloud 100. (9 didn't seem descriptive enough.)

The only trouble came when I awoke.  I'm sure you can figure it out.

But I'm not letting it get me down.  I'm going to push myself to see the dream in person.
I want this.
I need this.
I DESERVE this.

So many things in my life have been leading me to a healthier lifestyle and it seems toward making my mental images a reality.
The doctor last week layed a couple of things on me.  He put me on pills for hypertension (high blood pressure), told me my liver enzyme levels are high and he scheduled me for an ultrasound to give them a look, and he pushed me about a decision regarding my PCOS.
The PCOS issue is something I've been dealing with since I was 19.  The latest part being that I had a biopsy done to check on the state of my uterus.  It is NOT cancerous, but could get there.  Because of that, I need to treat it.  My treatment options are meds (there are choices) or surgery.  I am in favor of the surgery.  I take enough meds on a daily basis that I do not want to add another.  Let alone that we would be postponing the inevitable (surgery.)  Also, I am in no need of my uterus.  Simple fact.  I don't require the hormones or the baby production zone it is a part of.
My GYN, however, is totally in favor of meds.  In very dramatic fashion he relayed through my primary doc that he (my Gyn) could get fired for doing surgery on the diagnosis of Endometrial Hypertrophy.  He also stated that it would NOT be covered by my insurance and I would have to pay the entire amount out of pocket.  Leaving me, with no option but meds (as he sees it.)

I fought with myself a lot over this issue.  I have gone back and forth between feeling like I just wanted it my way and I was whining, to realizing that I have a valid point.  At this point, I conceded to making an appointment with him to implant a device intrauterine that will deliver female hormones directly to my uterus and thin the walls (all according to my doc.)  I have not decided whether I will keep that appointment or not.  I am heavily considering a second opinion, but afraid of the cost.  My insurance, though not labeled as an HMO, works similarly.  I am having a hard time finding a doctor who takes my insurance that isn't in the same office.

I find myself jealous and frustrated at my behavior lately when I hear others talking about a hysterectomy.  For more minor reasons, similar reasons, or just on the basis of being trans and wanting it out, others have scheduled or had their surgeries.  Here I am, on the brink of cancer, being told no.  It seems wrong to me.  And yet, every journey is different.  ARRRGGGG!!  I feel so ... childish.  Like my daughter lately, I just want to scream "MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE"  everytime I hear about a hysterectomy.

Who will take them away?

I know I've been talking about a lot of random ramblings lately so I just want to give a heads up that this blog is about trans issues.  Some of you new to reading may be surprised by some of this topic.  Just FYI.  Read if you want ...

A few days ago it was warm here in WA, and I realized the only shorts I had that fit were either swimming shorts or exercise shorts.  So I headed out and bought a few pair at Casual Male XL.   It's relieving to try on clothes that are made to fit my fat ass and not have to struggle into clothes.

Anyhow, that little shopping had me thinking about updating my shirt wardrobe a little.  Clearing out some older shirts and getting some nice polos, button downs and such. In theory, a great idea ... until I see myself in the clothes.

You see, in my head, I look like this in a shirt

But in real life, I look like this:

There are 2 underlying issues for me - my weight and my chest.

I don't like having these breasts on me and I feel like they are accentuated by my weight.  And it seems to me no matter how I'm binding I can't hide that fact that I am a man with breasts.  And that's whats been bringing me down so much lately physically.

It's like a catch 22.

I know I would feel better if I had surgery to have them removed, but I need the money.  To have the surgery though, I should loose some weight so I heal well and so the results look good.  To workout, I do best going to the gym.  I don't know where to fit in at the gym though - which locker rooms, stares from people, how to bind enough to work out, etc.

So the dysphoria is as much about the gym and my weight as it is my chest.  That's why I'm considering running/jogging/walking/dying my way around the neighborhood at dusk or in the evening.  I can work to get my weight down, without all the stares and at my own pace.  But it's all about the motivation to do it each night now.

As far as my chest, I NEED top surgery.  I don't feel like it's completely trans related either.  I've never identified with my chest.  I remember my mom and I arguing about cuts on shirts when I was younger.  "If you've got 'em, flaunt 'em", people would tell me (not my mom; she just didn't understand why I wanted to hide them.)  I despise that statement now.  Not everybody that has "got 'em" WANTS them.  :/

Some would say that I'm rushing into my transgender identity, and I should just bind for awhile and slow down.  But for me, it's not just about being transgender.  It's about being an adult, and taking charge of my body.  It will make me happier.  I will not regret the decision now or in the future.  I will be comfortable in my own body, at last.

And I can't help but think of the song by Coyote Grace called "Daughterson". by Joe Stevens (Lyrics are below the video)

My haircut don't look right

My clothes don't fit just right

Them boy clothes are too big and girl's too tight

My feet they look too small

And I ain't very tall

I fight with my mom every time I go to the mall

If I can't be your daughterson, I ain't nothing at all

The teachers are all thrown

Public school is a war zone

Kids won't leave me or my Queeny brother alone

I don't get picked to be on teams

Though I'm scrappy and I'm lean

Those girls, they seem to look right through me

My body has betrayed me

My life, the sun is setting, black as night

If I had only known about those girls

Yeah, they saw me all right

I'm obviously a man

But I sit down on the can

I get shots in the leg by my lady's helping hand

My scars run across my chest

Dr. Brownstein is the best

And ain't no one can make me wear a dress

Just because I've done this

Doesn't mean you have to do it too

You don't know what it's like now, do you?

Well, some of you do…

Well, you say I'm going to hell

But I've been down that well

And God is a big boy, he can speak for himself

Don't mess with God's design

But where do you draw the line?

How bout Botox, diet pills, face lifts, braces, nuclear warfare, deforestation, laser hair removal, hydrogenated oils, Viagra ….

Well, I think I'm doin fine

You're so scared of everything

You shout these rules that you invent

Who are you to force me

To believe what you think Jesus meant?

I grew up in a disguise

The pain has made me wise

Oh, my people stand, be seen, and we will rise

My body is my home

I won't ever be alone

And I found my place behind this microphone

I have chose my consequence

I've chosen my name

And I can be your Daughterson

Cause they're one and the same

motivated .... mostly

The steam is building ... now I just need to let it propel me down the track.

Wow, a good cheesy metaphor to start off this blog.  You know it's gotta be a keeper.  LOL

Seriously though.  I have some new found motivation today for a healthier lifestyle.  A few hours ago, I ran across the blog of a friend (I cannot actually remember my random route that landed me there, but I am grateful for it.)  His blog is mostly centered around running, but in doing so, he speaks a lot of healthy lifestyles and creating habits that are good for his future.
This week, my friend will be running a 15k, a goal he set in January and has pushed himself to achieve.  I am excited for him and proud of him.  :)
The biggest surprise for me in reading his blog though is not his titillating writing style, or his UNDERSERVING jabs at himself, but the fact that on starting this blog, he weighed in at 294 lbs.  I am astounded!  I never knew.  I always looked at him (and still do) as someone I'd like to look like.  I idolize him ... in weight, jobs, life (house, kids), economics and his hardworking attitude.  I haven't lost any respect or admiration on knowing his weight, in contrary.  It has made things like running, and his energy level more attainable to me.
I currently weigh 330 lbs.   (It feels like 500 somedays)
Just being within 40 lbs of him makes me feel like I could run, I could take control and do this.

Why do I get so full of motivation at 1 am all the time?

A few others things have been going on lately, but I'll blog on them tomorrow.  I have suddenly hit a wall and can barely keep my eyes ajar.  Lucky that I'm such a good typer and don't need to see.  ;)

Some things to look forward to:
moving
school
surgery
bed times
jobs
surgery
meds

Wow, that seems kinda ominous and intense.  Trust me, it's really not ... or at least I don't think it is.

It's not magic

Don't blink, it won't disappear.  I really am posting  2 days in a row.  :)

Today is turning out just as good for me as yesterday.  I'm feeling positive, happy and thinking about being productive.  LOL
I'm also pleased that our taxes were finally deposited and now we can work on paying off some debt and get our credit score up.  My main goal is to get our credit in order to buy a home.
We may splurge a little on a new bed too.  Ours is getting old and really worn out, and we've never had a nice bed frame.
I am sick of renting and living in places where we can't put personal touches on the home.  I want a home where I can paint, plant a garden for Jess, have room for more kids and be able to say that I accomplished this.  I've been looking at houses for years, and I have such a wishlist of things I want in a home, but I also have a "reality" list of things we will find and that I will get to update or add over the years.  :)


Anyways, I'm also in the process of trying to trim down my online fingerprint.  I have had a sudden realization of how much I am around the internet with different social sites, applications and such.  So I've been getting rid of some of my stuff.  I want to disconnect more and by deleting some of those accounts I am on my way toward it.  :)

T and A

T = Testosterone
I've been on T for around 7 weeks now.  It seems surreal.  Things are changing a little, but slowly.  There are a few things I wish were happening faster.  I'd love a deeper voice and a prominent Adam's apple and some more hair on my legs.  I'm guessing though that my PCOS and previous testosterone level is making the progression now a little slower.
Things I have noticed are that my voice has dropped a little.  (I'm still working on a way to post the voice recordings I've done.) My facial hair is growing in faster.  I can shave in the morning and have stubble by bed.  Though I can go 3 days and still just have a 5 o'clock shadow.  :)
I have also had an acne flair up from the increase in hormones.  Some weeks are worse than others.  But I'm not vain enough to freak out yet.  :)
I've also noticed some emotional changes.  Slight, and maybe not noticeable to others, but to me for sure.  I'm finding it easier to control my depression, which is HUGE for me.  I used to feel myself dropping into my depression and the only way to come out of it was to take my meds.  Recently, I've been spreading out my medication, and not taking it every day and still feeling up.  I've also been able to do things and be active to get me out of some of my bigger spirals into depression.  I don't mean that I haven't been sadden or overwhelmed by things, but I always know what is making me feel bad in those situations.  With my depression I get sad, anxious and an irritable and cannot tell anyone what triggered it.  I am glad to be moving past those moments.

A = ADD
Oh my do I have ADD!  :)  You wouldn't believe how easily it is for me to get distracted.  LOL  And I've had so much on my mind lately.
I've really been looking at where my life is right now, and where I want it to be.  I know its time to make the changes that I want to happen.
Sorry, I'm being vague right now, but I've got so much on my mind and so many things that may or may not happen, I don't want to crack those eggs till the pan is hot, if you catch my drift.  :)

excuses and crap

Do you want me to tell you about all the reasons why I haven't been writing blogs?  Nahh.  I'm just going to move forward from here, but know that I want to post more often.  It's on my "To Do" list. :)

Shedding the weight

I recored my voice last week to document my changes on T.  I'm going to do it every week or 2 for awhile.  However, I can't seem to find a way to post them on here.  It's quite frustrating.  I have one more idea that I'll try, but I'm about ready to give up.

Anyways.  Things are going well.  I'm noticing a few things already that are slight changes/adjustments I'm attributing to the T.
I have a slightly decreased appetite.  I am finding it easier to eat smaller portions, and to stop myself from eating "too much" and indulging in extras.  That's a blessing, for sure!
I've also noticed a slight increase in my energy.  I don't second guess getting up, going, moving or doing.  I have always felt like being active, and being busy, but my weight detered me.  In the past, it was easy to convince myself to stay put or I'd feel pained and strained after exurcison.  Recently, I find myself not hesitating long enough to consider that; I just do it.  It's a really refreshing and energizing feeling.  (Though, my back is hurting tonight from hefting this weight after Lucy today.)

I'm going to set myself a schedule tomorrow for getting to the gym.  I'm going to use this push of energy in my favor.  I'm aiming for 3-4 days at the YMCA.  It'll probably be 3 for now.  I'm also considering (and this is a BIG stretch) trying to run 2 times a week.  Just a little.  A short jog/run around the block here.  I'd like to build a tolerance up and I think it will put an edge on my weight loss. My thought at this point is to use the "Couch to 5k" program for that, just low key.

I'll keep you updated on my progress.  Any recommendations are appreciated.  :)