Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Mish Mash of Man Moments
I have quite a few things on my mind tonight. Let me lay out a list:
- Med Assistant Externship and tests
- Going back for my Bachelors degree
- building a healthier lifestyle
- Top surgery (I don't think this will not be on my mind until I've had it)
- T shots
- Missing family - Having Friends
I had previously stated this is my "transition" blog, but I feel like all of my life is a transition right now. Between the huge move my family made just over 3 months ago, all the changes in my life, and my trans journey ... well, you get the picture. So I will talk about the other things going on. Read if you choose.
I'm not going to tackle all this tonight. That would seem like writing my autobiography and take a LONG time. And I do have a 19 month old who will be waking up and want breakfast and attention in a few hours. :) So I'm just going to pick 1 for now. I'll write again tomorrow to get more off my chest.
Today's topic: T shots
This story needs a little back detail.
Jan 6 -- Three weeks ago, I met with my new doctor. We talked about a lot, but specifically, we talked about trans related stuff and he agreed to put me on T - on 1 condition. He wanted a letter from my therapist. An understandable request, and I already had an appointment scheduled with her for 6 days later. My doctor and I agreed to email after I had spoke with my therapist.
Jan 12 -- Met with my therapist and we spoke about my T letter. She was willing to send it to him and stated that she would email it. She requested a ROI letter to be filed with her office, and I didn't have a problem with that. I filled out the paperwork while I was there and she said she would fax the letter in the next few days.
Jan 13 -- I email my doctor to tell him to expect a fax from my therapist of my T letter.
Jan 14-19 -- I hear NOTHING from my therapist or doctor.
Jan 19 -- Phone appointment with my doctor. I expected him to have my T letter in hand. I was wrong. He hadn't recieved it. I said I would place a call to my therapist. We talked about other things (I got a referral to a trans friendly OB/GYN) and I said I'd contact him after speaking with my therapist and OB.
Jan 19 -- at roughly 4:00 pm, I emailed my therapist. I reminded her of our conversation about the T letter, and asked her if she had a chance to write it and send it. (I was Hoping that there was a fax machine error.)
Jan 21 -- My therapist wrote me an email at roughly 4:50pm. She was at the airport, on her way to Hawaii for a week long vacation. She had forgotten about my T letter. She would write it when she was back from vacation on February 1st.
Arrrggg! Now there are 2 main things about all this I'm dealing with. I have lived as I am for 30 years, and waiting another week at this point for my T letter will be ok. But on the other hand, I HAVE BEEN LIVING FOR 30 FUCKING YEARS AS A MAN IN A WOMAN'S BODY! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANOTHER GD WEEK BECAUSE OF HER FORGETFULNESS!!
Whew, that was cleansing.
Seriously though, it will be around a month from when my doctor and I talked about T till she gets him my letter, and then I have to deal with another office visit and such. It's not horrible in the scheme of things, but it is frustrating.
As I'm finishing this I'm listening to a Genius Playlist I built on iTunes. It was based on "A Guy Named Joe" by Coyote Grace. The playlist has a lot of thought provoking songs and lyrics in it. Mostly what it has done to me tonight is get me excited about going to see Coyote Grace next Thursday in Seattle, and make me want to learn to play my guitar even more than I already did.
I'll leave you with these lyrics to ponder over for the night.
**********************************************
"When I was a Boy" by Dar Williams
I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.
And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe,
someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.
When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.
I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."
And now I'm in this clothing store, and the signs say less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat
When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in,
they've got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too
And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, 'cept when I'm being caught off guard
And I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.
And so I tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say, "Now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won"
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see
When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you"
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.
And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe,
someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.
When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.
I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."
And now I'm in this clothing store, and the signs say less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat
When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in,
they've got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too
And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, 'cept when I'm being caught off guard
And I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.
And so I tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say, "Now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won"
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see
When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you"
Thursday, January 20, 2011
A reflection for a friend
My first and last transgender swimming experience (until I either have surgery or hit the lotto to put in my own pool.)
We had signed Lucy up for swim classes and Jess was suppose to take her. Unfortunately, there was a mix up and they put us in the wrong class that was during work hours. I was determined not to be the reason Lucy couldn't experience this, so I went ... and this memory is still painful.
I started my fight at home, when I got dressed. I wore a women's swimsuit and covered it with my board shorts and a loose workout shirt. I played with the adjustment of my chest so it wasn't accentuated by the built in swimsuit bra, but it wasn't binded.
I packed Lucy's stuff and decided to dress her at the gym. We used the "family changing rooms" to get ready. Toddler swimsuits are a pain by the way, I tried getting her in it 3 times before I got it right.
We headed into the pool area, a couple minutes late and I was scared. The other parents (all mothers) kept looking at me the whole time. It was a 20 min class, and the longest 20 min of my life.
As soon as I got wet, everything clung and was showing off. All I could do was stay under water to try and hide. Lucy luckily wasn't affected. She had a great time. She Learned to kick and even let me hold her floating on her back.
It was the only class we went to. We called the gym the next day and cancelled the class. We have been back to the pool, but with Jess getting in only and I sat on the side.
Even as I recall this, my stomach hurts just as much now with anxiety as it did then. I am sad, frustrated and annoyed at the circumstances. I want so badly to just take her to the pool. I LOVE swimming. I was a lifeguard for 5 years, and I miss it. But I am not comfortable with others reactions to my body. I wish I have had top surgery already, but even more, I wish the world could just see me as a person and that my body didn't matter.
We had signed Lucy up for swim classes and Jess was suppose to take her. Unfortunately, there was a mix up and they put us in the wrong class that was during work hours. I was determined not to be the reason Lucy couldn't experience this, so I went ... and this memory is still painful.
I started my fight at home, when I got dressed. I wore a women's swimsuit and covered it with my board shorts and a loose workout shirt. I played with the adjustment of my chest so it wasn't accentuated by the built in swimsuit bra, but it wasn't binded.
I packed Lucy's stuff and decided to dress her at the gym. We used the "family changing rooms" to get ready. Toddler swimsuits are a pain by the way, I tried getting her in it 3 times before I got it right.
We headed into the pool area, a couple minutes late and I was scared. The other parents (all mothers) kept looking at me the whole time. It was a 20 min class, and the longest 20 min of my life.
As soon as I got wet, everything clung and was showing off. All I could do was stay under water to try and hide. Lucy luckily wasn't affected. She had a great time. She Learned to kick and even let me hold her floating on her back.
It was the only class we went to. We called the gym the next day and cancelled the class. We have been back to the pool, but with Jess getting in only and I sat on the side.
Even as I recall this, my stomach hurts just as much now with anxiety as it did then. I am sad, frustrated and annoyed at the circumstances. I want so badly to just take her to the pool. I LOVE swimming. I was a lifeguard for 5 years, and I miss it. But I am not comfortable with others reactions to my body. I wish I have had top surgery already, but even more, I wish the world could just see me as a person and that my body didn't matter.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Moving forward
I should have read my past blogs before jumping in with another ... hmmm. Where did I leave off? Well, I'll just start from where I am.
Things seem to be getting on track for me, or at least I feel like they are and I'm happy with what is happening.
I have been to a couple of counseling sessions, I have an awesome doctor who is trans friendly and knowledgeable enough to support and guide me. I am on the brink of starting T.
And today 1/11/11 will forever be burned in my memory. :) Today I legally became Elijah Henry. I am so happy. It's exciting, yet, I feel no different. I imagine this is what it will be like when I have my first shot of T. A big build up to the excitement of it, then .... well, you get it.
But I'm not down about it. I'm happy and I'll keep moving forward. With every step I feel more confident and self secure. I finally feel happy about me, and that's all that matters.
Anyhow, this is just a quick update. A friend posted his blog and I got my itch to write back. I'll try to keep up on this more, especially with changes that are still to come. :)
Things seem to be getting on track for me, or at least I feel like they are and I'm happy with what is happening.
I have been to a couple of counseling sessions, I have an awesome doctor who is trans friendly and knowledgeable enough to support and guide me. I am on the brink of starting T.
And today 1/11/11 will forever be burned in my memory. :) Today I legally became Elijah Henry. I am so happy. It's exciting, yet, I feel no different. I imagine this is what it will be like when I have my first shot of T. A big build up to the excitement of it, then .... well, you get it.
But I'm not down about it. I'm happy and I'll keep moving forward. With every step I feel more confident and self secure. I finally feel happy about me, and that's all that matters.
Anyhow, this is just a quick update. A friend posted his blog and I got my itch to write back. I'll try to keep up on this more, especially with changes that are still to come. :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)